I just finished reading a lovely, insightful book, which I had previously heard of but avoided like the plague, due to its title: "If I'm so wonderful, why am I still single"? I finished it in less than 24 hours - it was that good.
The book helps you realize that if you are an involuntary single - meaning you do not wish to remain single - although you can & should enjoy your life exactly as it is in this moment - there are simply no valid excuses for remaining single.
One idea that really hit home for me was her description of ambivalence about wanting a relationship - for instance, we say we want a relationship, but on the other hand, we aren't taking any action, and are just hoping "it will happen when it's meant to."
I realized that I have been holding a somewhat ambivalent attitude about wanting a romantic relationship. Deep down, I know that it is my #1 dream in life to connect with and co-create a loving, supportive, long lasting committed relationship with the right man for me, however, I have come up with a million different excuses for why I'm not making looking for this person a priority.
Job stress, too many other activities, not over my last relationship..
But theses excuses are feeling more and more hollow, as I realize that time is passing me by, as I go through another day without truly opening my heart and experiencing and learning how to be the type of person/partner who can keep such a relationship alive and growing.
I recently realized that, I had previously longed for a romantic relationship because I hoped it would fulfill me, complete me, validate my existence. I now realize the error in this way of thinking. I am already whole. I am worthy of love, as a child of God, and always have been. It's my own fears/masks/disguises/walls that have kept me from truly putting my heart out there and connecting with the right man for me.
I truly want to make this connection because I have realized that the heart is made for loving. Each moment that I keep it locked up, I am not using it for its true purpose. It's like a beautiful sports car that just sits in a garage day after day, never being driven, and eventually turns to rust. It could have been used to go on amazing adventures and died when it was completey exhausted, worn out, from all of its thrill rides. This is how I want to feel at the end of my life - like I truly gave all I had, all of the love in my heart, not just to my romantic partner, friends, and family, but to everyone I encounter, because we are all children of God, and we all deserve to feel loved.
This lonely existence just doesn't fit me anymore. I feel a calling for much more - a life truly lived from my heart. If it's taken me 31 years to truly feel ready to co-create a loving, lasting, committed romantic relationship, and to love more fully, that is better than one more day of choosing to remain behind my self-imposed walls, afraid to risk, afraid to be vulnerable, afraid of true intimacy, afraid of being authentic and then being rejected. Rejection no longer scares me. I am willing and ready to patiently persevere, to put my heart on the line, to take risks, and to love openly.
I've come a long way in my journey - I used to be so afraid of commitment that I refused to sign a one year cell phone contract and wound up using a monthly-pay service phone instead - now I am a home owner and have experienced a wonderful relationship that lasted over a year, which is by far the longest relationship I had previously experienced.
I've accomplished several dreams, like running a marathon (something I never thought I could do), finding peace and acceptance with food / weight after struggling on a million different fad diets, and moving to beautiful Colorado without a job lined up or knowing hardly a soul, and it becoming a place I truly love.
However, this dream of committed love has eluded me until now. I just haven't felt ready to challenge all of the fears I've built over the years. Fears that I don't have the right skillset, fears that I'm not good enough, fears that love never lasts, fears that no one could love someone with the size of my thighs and legs, fears that I am doomed to repeat the collapse of my parents marriage and the disfunction that ensued. But I see these for what they are: fears. Nothing more. They are not truths. It is only by experiencing a committed, loving relationship that I will be able to conquer these fears, one and all. A line from a song by Stephen Kellogg & the Sixers comes to mind: "You don't succeed by giving up, that's one thing I know."
I release my attachment to the outcome, and keep this intention at the center of my heart.